Episode A

Every now and then a piece of me cringes, shrivels, loves, hates, and clings desperately to hope, all in one moment. It asks for forgiveness from my own self and yet it partially believes that experiences happens and I shouldn't still be asking for forgiveness, I should have moved on. I have been holding my breath and praying for the pain to be over. I do not understand it, for most of the time I believe I have moved on from it, and perhaps, I will not feel the same hurt and pain again but it leaves me cold with its sudden outbursts. 

I do not understand its reasoning.

Am I actually holding on to all that still, somewhere in my unconsciousness?

Is it because I have held myself in too high opinion that I can not forgive myself?

Have I really not forgiven myself or is it a cover of my holding on to the memory too tight?

And then, every now and then, after I am over with these sudden mind swirling emotions and questions, I feel normal again, almost content and I be grateful for it, for my life, for my choices and for who I am. And every time, I hope there wouldn't be a next time to these episodes.